The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin Part 2

Part 2

 Bonus: 

Double Classics! (Hasty Pudding)

Summary: Basically, teenage Ben Franklin spent all his free time trolling and reading books.

Commentary: This, of course, is why Ben Franklin is the best founding father. You read about him and go, "yeah, I'd hang out with him in high school." I think a modern Ben Franklin would dabble in video games and stuff, but still mostly stick to the classics. I bet he'd be big on Lord of the Rings. Probably Star Trek.

 I continued this method some few years, but gradually left it, retaining only the habit of expressing myself in terms of modest diffidence; never using, when I advanced anything that may possibly be disputed, the words “certainly,” “undoubtedly,” or any others that give the air of positiveness to an opinion; but rather say, I conceive or apprehend a thing to be so-and-so; it appears to me, or I should think it so or so, for such and such reasons; or I imagine it to be so; or it is so, if I am not mistaken.

This is true, but I think there's an important distinction here that people sometimes take this too far and start arguing against themselves. I think part of what makes Franklin's way work is putting the uncertainty first. "If I understand correctly, X," is more confident than, "X, if I understand correctly." You're not ending on the uncertainty.

 

The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin (1791) THE WHOLE THING THIS TIME Part 1

 The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin 

Bonus: 

Can I interest you in the whole thing?

Summary:

Commentary: Starting with The Autobiography for a couple reasons. First, it's in English, so I don't have to worry about translations. Second, I like it. Third, it's the first thing in T5FSOB. It was also the first selection in 15MAD so there's some fun alignment there. I grabbed the Standard Ebooks version, which is definitely easier to paste into the doc than the Gutenberg one. I've already read/blogged a couple chunks of this, but I'm just gonna start at the beginning and charge through.

Most of the intro was in 15MAD (though not as the first reading), so I think I've said much the same before. I appreciate Franklin wanting to leave his life story for his son. I don't have a ton of info about my family, so I would appreciate if my parents (who aren't dead) would leave something like that. I like that he emphasizes how happy (technically felicity) he is. He's not (bragging about being) rich, famous, etc. He just loves his life. 

Indeed, I scarce ever heard or saw the introductory words, “Without vanity I may say,” etc., but some vain thing immediately followed.

Is this the origin of "Whenever someone says..."?

 He died in 1702, January 6, old style, just four years to a day before I was born.

This is one of those weird things I learned about when I started this whole thing. For a while when countries were transitioning between the Julian and Gregorian calendars people would write the dates both ways. Neat.

The phrase "bred to x" for a profession is interesting. I guess it means passed down through the family, since some people are noted as not bred to their profession.

Things I learned: Emmet is an old word for Ant, and Ætat means "aged". 

Rocks, Beer, and Ben Franklin

There's a popular, but false, Ben Franklin quote: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." I've had to sort out a bunch of false Franklin and Lincoln quotes the last few days for a little story I'm working on in my creative writing class. The real quote is: "Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards, there it enters the roots of the vines, to be changed into wine, a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy." 

Not so different, besides swapping wine for beer. There's another beer story I want to talk about a little today, and it's short enough that I think I'll just drop it in here. Feel free to skip to the line if you've suffered through it before.

During a time management course, the teacher places fist-sized rocks in a wide-mouthed glass jar until no more rocks fit into it.  

The teacher asks the class, ‘Is it full?’  The students shout ‘yes!’

Unceremoniously, the teacher adds smaller pebbles to the jar, carefully shaking the jar so the pebbles work themselves into the spaces between the big rocks.

The teacher asks again, ‘Is it full?’  Most of the students tentatively answer ‘yes.’

Smiling, the teacher adds sand the jar which fills the spaces between the rocks and pebbles.

‘Now, is it full?’ the teacher asks. ‘Probably not,’ one tentatively answers.

With a flourish, the teacher pours water in the jar filling it up to the brim.

‘What’s the point of this experiment?’ the teacher asks.

One eager student raises his hand, ‘The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, you can always fit some more things into it.’

‘No,’ the teacher replied, ‘that’s not the point. Imagine if I had put the water or sand in the jar first. There would be no room for the big rocks – the important things. Prioritization is deciding whether to start with big rocks or the sand.’

More introduction (definitely actually by Eliot this time)

After reading last night's guide, I looked around in the TF5SOB for the lists and reading orders that were mentioned. I started in the back, with Volume 51, but that's a bunch of critical essays on the other materials. Going back one, Volume 50 contains a pair of introductions that actually appear to have been written by Eliot, unlike the probably marketing copy from last night. I'm not going to paste the whole thing in, mostly for space and formatting reasons. They're actually referenced (by quote or by paraphrase) several times in last night's selection. I browsed some of the courses, and I think I'm more likely to work through the set by volume, pausing occasionally between large selections for some of the smaller ones. Some shorter/lighter stuff to break up the long ones will be nice. And I don't want to read all 4 or 5 volumes of poetry back to back. For tonight, I want to take a minute with a quote that pairs with the one I pulled last night.

Although a good part of the reading provided in The Harvard Classics may fairly be called interesting, there are also volumes or portions of volumes which make hard reading, even for a practised student. In the literature of other days some of the topics treated are unfamiliar, and, moreover, the state of mind of the authors is apt to be strange to the present generation. The sentiments and opinions these authors express are frequently not acceptable to present-day readers, who have to be often saying to themselves: "This is not true, or not correct, or not in accordance with our beliefs." It is, however, precisely this encounter with the mental states of other generations which enlarges the outlook and sympathies of the cultivated man, and persuades him of the upward tendency of the human race. The Harvard Classics, as a whole, require close attention and a resolute spirit on the part of the reader. Nevertheless large parts of the collection were undoubtedly composed just to give delight, or to show people how to win rational pleasures. Thus, the real values of almost all the tales, dramas, fiction, and poetry in the series are esthetic, not didactic, values. The interested reader ought to gain from them enjoyment and new power to enjoy

 I like the combination of vague trigger warning, admonition to engage with unfamiliar/disagreeable content, and lack of "good ol' days"ism here. Yes, the old stuff might be gross, wrong, etc., but it can still be worth reading, if only to show how we've improved. Also, always down for shitting on didactism. 

Tomorrow, probably some more Ben Franklin.

The Harvard Classics Reading Guide by (probably not) Charles Eliot? (1930)

Harvard Classics Reading Guide

Bonus: 

Very Inaccurate

Summary: In just 15 minutes a day, you can become the equivalent of a 1930s Harvard Sophomore!

Commentary: I've decided to stop dicking around and get back to doing more of the classics stuff on here. I'm going back to the 5FSOB for two reasons. One, I liked most of what I read in it last year and two, it's all public domain and relatively accessible. For tonight, I decided to look at the 15MAD reading guide. Partially, because reading it was a big part of the reasons I started the whole thing (it's a good sales pitch!) and partially because, in the collection I downloaded, it's marked as "Volume 0". I don't think this is accurate, but whatever.

I think the guide does a great job of framing the 5FSOB for someone who isn't necessarily a super educated classicist. Intimidated? That's okay, we'll help you get the most out of it. Bored? Oh boy, you should go read some BURRRRNNNSSS! What do I do with them? Keep a couple next to you, don't let them sit on the shelf like a reference set. Don't know what to read? Relax, we already figured it out for you. 

Likewise, I like the repetition of "you will" and similar phrasing. Whoever (some marketing intern?) wrote this totally believes you can read all this stuff and learn from it! And they even quote a woman purchaser! How progressive!

The quote I've pasted in here like 10 times already:

“My aim was not to select the best fifty, or best hundred, books in the world, but to give, in twenty-three thousand pages or thereabouts, a picture of the progress of the human race within historical times, so far as that progress can be depicted in books. The purpose of The Harvard Classics is, therefore, one different from that of collections in which the editor’s aim has been to select a number of best books; it is nothing less than the purpose to present so ample and characteristic a record of the stream of the world’s thought that the observant reader’s mind shall be enriched, refined and fertilized.

Not the the "best". Instead, I'd call it the most significant. And I love that difference. You might not think X is great, but that doesn't mean it isn't important. (Except Burns.)

To the busy man who wants information for a speech, an article, an advertisement, or an editorial, this Index renders a service that cannot be computed in terms of dollars and cents. Long days of search would not bring to hand the wealth of material that can be obtained in a few minutes through this source.

I love the idea of the 5FSOB as a super-encyclopedia. Before you had Wikipedia, Wikiquote, etc., you bought this thing and flipped through the index when you needed to find something.

Back tomorrow with not sure what! CLASSICS HO! 

"Specialization is for Insects" by Robert Heinlein (1973)

 Tonight, I got home from work late, cooked dinner (baked mac and cheese from scratch), got some (homemadeish) chicken noodle soup to my wife's sick friend, and read, looked up, and reset the check engine code on my wife's car.

I think cooking and working on cars (I can do slightly more than just plug in the code reader) are skills we often think of at opposite ends of a spectrum. Which brings me to my favorite Heinlein quote (it may be literally the only Heinlein quote I like):

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

Which is from Time Enough for Love which is not on the list of 3 or 4 Heinlein novels I've read. There are about a million "what a man/human being/adult should be able to do" lists floating around the Internet. Heinlein's is one of the more difficult (I definitely do not know how to butcher a hog or conn a ship.), but the second sentence is a hell of a zinger. I also like how what's on these lists tends to change over time. 30 years ago, you definitely needed to know how to hook up and program a VCR. Today, you should know how to clear your catch and change/reset a laptop battery.

It also kind of reminds me of a story, which I can't fine no matter how many times I Google for it. The gist, as I remember it, is that a guy is visiting his girlfriend's family for the first time. The mom is trying to cook 30 things at once, and he goes to help her. The dad tells him "blah blah blah, women's work" etc. The boyfriend asks him if men are supposed to be self sufficient in his culture. The dad agrees, and the boyfriend points out you need to know how to cook to not starve. And then everyone clapped.

At the end of the day, that's a big part of what this blog is about. I've learned so many things about culture, philosophy, history, and just what it means to be a half decent human being.

Holy Moly An Actual Classic! To My Old Master (1865)

 To My Old Master

Bonus: The letter, as read by Laurence Fishburne. He does a great job with the humor.

Summary: Of course you can rehire me. Just pay me the $400,000 (adjusted for inflation), plus interest, you owe me.

Commentary: It feels good to do one of these again. I think I did all the formatting right. The "sarcastic friendly letter" showed up in 15MAD in Samuel Jonnson's letter to Lord Chesterfield, but it's executed much better here.

The intro is appropriately sincere sounding, and some of the points may even be genuine (maybe he would like to see some of the other people [other slaves?] around the plantation. The twist, when he asks for his $12K in back wages is delightful. Much more effective than Johnson's weird drowning/help metaphor. 4/5 I would include this if I was going to make a classics anthology.

TNT Blah blah blah

I take it back. Central Processing is even worse than most TNT levels 1/5.

One of the things I love about Doom is how cleanly it reads. Switches look like switches, enemies mostly stand out from walls, etc. Besides looking ugly, TNTs assorted custom textures really clutter that up. "Find the hole in the fence" is not a fun mechanic.

Final Doom: TNT: Evilution: Industrial? Levels (post secrets)

Deepest Reaches: 3/5 This isn't very industrial. Pretty good looking level, and I like that long jump into the canyon (remember, no fall damage in Doom!)

Processing Area: 2/5 Generic TNT level with generic complaints.

The Mill: 4/5 This is actually a really good level. It starts off with a kind of "boss arena" feel, but it expands out to a large, but "normal" level. Some actually interesting puzzles, good fights, and clever secrets put it in a good position, and it actually kinda looks like a steel mill in some spots. Bonus for giving you a computer map early, but most of the secrets still take some amount of attention/thought to figure out. Usually it totally gives them away.

Shipping/Respawning: 2/5 Also a Generic TNT level. 32 levels is just a lot for one studio to put out. We're just over half way through and they're definitely running out of steam. 

I thought this was the episode break, but I'm technically a level short. I feel like it's probably safe to bet the next level will also be Generic TNT level.

I am very tired of this WAD.

I didn't completely forget about Confessions of an "English Opium Eater"

 Look what I found at a used book store!

Honestly, I think I liked the blog better when it was lit than Doom. But I am enjoying playing Doom and I'm mostly done. I'll probably have to restart the book at this point

. 

Duolingo and Chess

 I've been doing Duolingo for a couple years now. I started out hoping to learn some German since it's a useful language for a few of my hobbies. Before long, I realized it teaches you absolutely nothing, so I switched to Spanish, since I'd learned a fair amount in middle school. I had a great teacher, and I'm pretty sure I knew more at the end of 9th grade Spanish 2 than I did high school Spanish 4 (I think it was 4, maybe 5). Spanish has been going fine. If you're just reactivating old knowledge vs learning new stuff it's okay. I've also finished the English in English course (for ESL people trying to improve their skills) and dabbled in the English for Spanish speakers course (surprisingly hard!)

Since then, they've started adding non-language courses. The first were Music (which I did like 3 lessons of) and Math (which I finished). Math is nice, since there's no speaking or listening, so it's easy to do at the doctor's office or whatever.

And then they added chess a while ago. I took the placement and it put me near the end. The puzzles were too hard from me, so I restarted to the beginning. I know they added a new system recently, so I assume you'd be better off using lichess. I do like the chess "font" they use. It's a good blend of the classic 2d icons and 3d, and the "heart" shape for the king is a bit more pronounced than usual. I probably won't make my chess goal for this year, but nice to have another thing to try.

How Doomed are we?

 I realized I never defined the scale I'm using to rate these Doom levels. It's pretty similar to the Star Wars one, I'd say.

Things I look at:

1. Fun: Obviously the most important, regardless of whether it's easy or hard, gimmicky or slaughtery, it should be fun to play.

2. Creativity: It's impressive how much weird stuff you can do with the Doom engine, and people are still finding newish gimmicks 30 years after release.

3. Aesthetics: Did you arrange the textures good?

4. Bugginess: If I cannot beat your level because the floor is broken, it's an autofail. If it's only a minor graphic glitch, I'll mostly overlook it.

The usual 0-6 scale applies:

0: Unplayably bad. Either horrendously buggy, or unfun and poor in the other areas with minor bugs.

1: Regular bad. Not fun, but at least mostly works.

2: Meh. Not worth downloading on your 56k modem, but probably worth borrowing on a floppy from a friend.

3: Minimal acceptable Doom level. Nothing crazy, but all the parts fit together correctly.

4: Actually good Doom level. Either an okay level bolstered by some cool gimmicks/aesthetics, or a well executed vanilla level.

5: Great Doom level. Not only fun and well tuned, but also makes good use of gimmicks/aesthetics.

6: Somehow, you made Doom fully 3d or something. I dunno, I guess we can give Hangar a 6/5.

Vaguely attempting to rate all the episodes from before I started doing scores.

KDitD: 4, and it's getting half a point for historical significance.

TSoH: 4, and I mean it this time.

Inferno: 5, best level set in id Doom.

TFC: 3.9? The line between this and Ep 2 is the exact line between a 3 and a 4.

Sigil 1: 3, maybe 4? You have some really strong levels balanced by some pretty poor ones.

Sigil 2: 3ish Same, actually.

Doom 2: Overall, 3. There's a lot of 2s, one or two 1s, but a couple 5s to balance them out. 

Master Levels: Rounds up to 2 if I did the math right.

I think Evilution is averaging around 1.5 right now, but I haven't spreadsheeted it yet.

Reading "Lolita" in Barnes and Noble

 My wife listened to Lolita as an audiobook this weekend, and one of my students was reading it last week, which reminded me of a couple funny stories about it while I worked at B&N.

1. For reasons that I will never understand, Barnes and Noble put Lolita on the beach read table several summers in a row. I love it just as much as any other self-respecting, edgy English major, but a beach read it is not. Definitely more of an "at home in your study" or maybe "on the bus" kind of book. Potential awkwardness aside, it's a decently heavy cognitive list, not the kind of fluff we usually associate with "beach reads."

2. One time (probably while discussing said beach read table) one of my coworkers was saying it's totally gross, we shouldn't have it, etc. He was a huge Indiana Jones fan (as anyone should be, at least for Raiders) and I remember teasing him about how Marion probably (it's not clear in the movie) isn't that much older than Dolores (though Indy is obviously younger than Humbert). Humbert first meets Dolores when she's 12, and their road trip/kidnapping lasts until she's around 14 or 15. Marion's age is given as anywhere between 15 and 17 (movie vs guidebook vs novel).

The dialogue in question:

Marion: I learned to hate you in the last ten years.

Indy: I never meant to hurt you.

Marion: I was a child. I was in love. It was wrong and you knew it!

Indy: You knew what you were doing.

Marion: Now I do! This is my place. Get out!

 (Definitely less bad than Humbert.)

Final Doom: TNT: Evilution: Secret Levels

Pharaoh: 3/5 I don't think I ever realized the "a" was before the "o" in Pharaoh before. Anyway, this hits most of the bonus level marks: piles of loot to carry you through the level and get you out the other side in as good (or better) shape than you started, a strong theme, and different enough from the main campaign to stand out. Aesthetics are mostly good, the red skybox is a nice choice (wtf is up with that Cyberdemon floating on top of some half doors?). The intermission music as the background is an unconventional, but effective, choice (or maybe it was written for this map first? Who knows!) On the other hand, it's still a TNT level, so you still get to do weird switch "puzzles", secrets that aren't secrets, the map is fairly disjointed (switches opening things halfway across the map for no apparent reason), a couple of bugs (one of which was level breaking in the original release)I'd have left out the initial dozenish hitscanners. All that ammo and a switch into the mysterious pyramid is a way creepier start than mowing down some pointless mooks.

Caribbean: 3/5 Marginally better gameplay than Pharaoh, but zero aesthetics. I was about ready to give this one a 4 after the ending Cyberdemon fight (which is mostly an infighting brawl) and I even liked the little Archvile trap. But the final "puzzle" (hit two switches and run fast) potholes the whole level. We're supposed to be in some kind of tropical vacation? But there's still hell sky (a nice cloudy blue sky would've gone a long way.) There is water. And lots of wood. So much wood. And then it's all surrounded by ivy walls for some reason. TNT time making textures to vaguely jazz up (read: uglify) tech base, but this level really could've benefited from some unique (or at least more creative use of original) stuff..Pharaoh got some custom textures and some Doomcute. Caribbean looks like an ugly Doom 2 level.

Let's make fun of the text screen:

Thanks doomwiki.org

Time for a vacation. Passable hook

You've burst the bowels of Hell and by golly you're read for a break. So we're back on Earth? Io? What?

You mutter to yourself, Maybe someone else can kick Hell's ass next time around. We're only halfway through the game, but sure.

Ahead lies a quiet town, with peaceful flowing water, quaint buildings, and presumably no hellspawn. I would not call this a town. It's like 3 buildings that're connected. Looks more like a mini resort. And again, the concept here is that we teleported to Egypt? and then got on a boat? (it looked more like a shed) to a Mediterranean resort town or something? I guess Doomguy is just nuts from going through Hell (at least) three times at this point.

As you step off the transport, you hear the stomp of a Cyberdemon's iron shoe. This line is pretty good.

I know we don't play Doom for the story, but this just feels so weird and out of place. I'd go with something more like:

Time for a vacation. This must be where all the rich demons come to chill on their day off. Crystal clear water, sandy beaches, palm trees. It's enough to make you forget you're halfway through the bowels of Hell (on a moon of Jupiter?) and kick back. But before you get to feel the sand between your toes you hear it: the stomp of a Cyberdemon's iron shoe.

Final Doom: TNT: Evilution: Industrial Levels (up to the secrets)

 Crater: 2/5 Hey, they used other monsters! Another step down in difficulty from the middle of the last pack. TNT continues to compete with themselves to find who can make the ugliest level (what if I smashed three door textures together to make a SUPER DOOR!?) Not a good level, but pretty good for Evilution.

Nukage Processing: 4/5 Not just a good Evilution map, but a good map overall. Shutters are one of Evilution's gimmicks, and this is the best implementation I've seen so far. One of the better Cyberdemon traps in any wad I've played. 

Steel Works: 2/5 I was mostly enjoying this one until they pulled the "run the level backwards with extra monsters" thing. Some levels can make that work, but this one was just another slog through a million former humans.

Dead Zone: 3/5 Kind of a boss arena, but not quite. Not great, not terrible.

But really, I want to take a minute to talk about the skybox on this level set.

Click for bigger

Let's start with the smaller issue. We're supposed to be on one of Jupiter's moon. Why can we see what looks like a galaxy and, I dunno, the space Eye of Sauron? It's not like Io got yanked to Hell like Deimos in Episode 2 (and it's not a very hellish sky anyway).

Number two is that, especially in modern ports) it looks awful in game. Zoom in a bit, and you can see that the white stars are stretched vertically, and the galaxy is super pixelated. Doom can do a good looking night sky (see Dr. Sleep's skybox used in the Master Levels), but TNT just didn't care I guess. 

That's kind of how I feel about their texture work overall. Some variety is nice, but 90% of them look significantly worse than the id textures. I'd rather look at the same textures for the 9001 time than have such ugly "variety."

Final Doom: TNT: Evilution: Military Base Maps

To answer my question last week about differentiating the style, the answer is, "Not really, but we'll throw in some castle and some new computer textures."

Prison: 2/5 Successfully ups the ante from the first "episode" (and that opening plasma gun is a nice treat). But it's just not a very fun level. And the prison theme is very poorly used. People have whined enough about Doom maps not looking like what they're named, but the Doom engine can (and has already with the Wolfenstein bonus map) done a dungeon/prison well. Special unshoutout to the double-quad-teleporters in a lava pit. I love doubling up on bad mechanics AND making you take damage while testing them.

Metal: 1/5 Mandatory secret that isn't a secret and is filled with bad guys instead of loot? Pass. Some poor enemy placement doesn't help.

Stronghold: 0/5 Ooops, all former humans is an acceptable gimmick for one level. Not for two in a row. Possibly the ugliest level I've ever played.

Redemption: 2/5 Aesthetically and difficulty-wise this map belongs in the first episode. A couple weird design choices (too many switches and backtracking) keep it meh.

Storage Facility: 1/5 What if we made a crate maze, but put all the monsters in a teleport trap so you could kill them one at a time and not bother with the maze.

Ugh

SUPER TURBO TURKEY PUNCHER 3!

 I'm not on Doom 3 yet, but I did play a little since I was on a different system earlier today.

STTP3 represents the dichotomy of Doom 3 perfectly. On the one hand, everyone who wanted Doom 3 to just be a prettier Doom 2 can agree that it's a great easter egg and possibly they best part of the game.

On the other, it represents how Doom 3 is the world's dumbest immersive sim, which is not a game anyone wanted.

I think, now that the dust has settled, the general consensus has rightly formed that Doom 3 is a bad Doom, a decent game overall, and a strong (and before its time) example of first person survival horror. I'm going to go against the grain a little and say, overall, it's a stronger title than any of the current gen Dooms.  

Final Doom: TNT: Evilution: Techbase Levels

 Final Doom is the FINAL Doom level set... sort of... for awhile... (Doom 64 would come out a year later, while No Rest for the Living came out in 2010.) 

Released in June 1996, a week before Quake. It consists of 2 level sets. Evilution is by a mapping group named Team TNT. It was originally going to be released for free before id bought it. Plutonia was made fully contracted by id by the Casali brothers, two members of TNT. Besides new levels, there's some new music and graphics, but no new enemies or monsters. I wonder what the story on id releasing these is. Just a final cash grab? Not a lot of background info available on the net.

Like Doom 2, Evilution is grouped into pseudo-episodes, the first of which uses the high tech style from Episode 1 and a few of the early Doom 2 maps.

System Control: 3/5 This is basically rearranged Entryway. I guess slightly better than the original? 

Human BBQ: 2/5 I think this is the first use of "glass" (you can see through, but not shoot through) in an official Doom level. Other than that, a pretty mediocre level. The telefrag "puzzle" is way less fun/more convoluted than it should be.

Power Control: 3/5 You can make doors use one key from one side, and a different one from the other. I think there's a couple no key/key doors in Doom 1/2, but this is the first of the different key style.  Fine, I guess?

Wormhole: 4/5 Decent, but not great, design. But the gimmick of playing the same level twice by teleporting into a second copy is neat. You can skip about 2/3 of the map easily, which isn't something I've seen since back during Doom 1. This means some of the biggest speedruns differences. ~12 seconds to run to the exit vs 4:50 to 100%. Usually 100%ing only increases the time be 2-4 times, not 24x. 

"Hanger": 1/5 Pretty ballsy naming your level after the first Doom map. Pretty stupid to spell it wrong. Bad level either way. Not challenging, just annoying (yay, monster closets!) and weak "puzzles". 

Open Season: 4/5 TNT can't really lock down a naming theme. Some of them are simple E1 style place names, while others are more evocative. Regardless, this is a strong map. "E1 but longer, faster, harder" is a popular theme for good reason. Those first 9 maps are the core of DooM that the whole community has played a million times, and they're great levels. But they're also short (or tight) and easy. This isn't a particularly tough level, but it's a bit more than the ol' Nuclear Plant and co. Starting the reactor (or whatever it's supposed to be) to open the final door is a neat mini-set piece, and closer to something out of Duke 3D or Dark Forces than Doom. This is a great way to end the "episode." Next time, Military Base. I'm curious to see, aesthetically, how different it is from this "tech lab" set.

Can it run Doom? Lens wipe edition

 My wife bought some microfiber cloths for work.

Holy crap, that's actually the Doom pistols and zombie sprites (or a really good copy)

That got me wondering if anyone had ever actually ported Doom to a TI-83 (the wipe is technically based on a TI-83+). The answer is... kinda? 

Some of the nicer calculators like the 89 have slightly prettier Doomish games, but you have to go up to an Nspire to get the real thing.

Doom Master Levels: Cranium and wrap up

 Like Dr. Sleep,  Sverre André Kvernmo, got to do a sort of half episode for the Master Levels, titled "Cabal" complete with sort of a storyline. You're a Cyberdemon? (But transformed into a human so you can use all the normal weapons and powerups. Probably not practical to actually get that much custom stuff working in 1995, especially without screwing with the executable/iwad) who has been deposed by the other demons (the Cabal), so you have to go kill them. Nothing fancy, and it's pretty much just relevant in the readme file.

I wonder how far you could get with actually writing a proper story (with dialogue, etc.) in the txt files and then using the levels themselves to show the highlights. Could even go nuts have kind of choose-your-own-adventure it and have the story change based on how well the player did or something.

Bloodsea Keep: 2/5 Great architecture and some fun props (mostly creative uses of stock assets to set up torture scenes), but the gameplay is very much "annoy you to death." So many Lost Souls just wandering around, too many crushers (why do we need to do almost the same switch/crusher "puzzle" 4 times?), even the ammo is annoying. Cranium is very stingy with the bullets (and the chaingun is only found in a couple of secrets) so you're relying on your shotgun a lot here (and the super shotty is likewise secret locked). There's a fair number of 20 shell pick ups, but not enough that you can afford to "top off" and grab them when you have 40 (max shells is 50 by default, and the remainder are wasted). Even a backpack (to double your carrying cap to 100) would've gone a long way to making this level less annoying. The throne that the Arch Vile teleports into at the end is a nice touch. Would've been even better if it'd been the exit or something (instead of flipping a switch next to it, a switch "hidden" behind it, and then going through the teleporter behind the wall).

Mephisto's Mausoleum: 0/5 STARTS YOU OFF WITH A BACKPACK, DAMNIT! Both this and Bloodsea use MAP07 "Dead Simple" as their base. The original map uses a couple of death flags to lower walls and what not, creating a quick "miniboss arena" style map. It's not a great map, but it's fun enough. Bloodsea uses it for the chaingun secret. I don't love secret locking the chaingun, but it's a clever enough usage. MM reuses the miniboss arena concept, but takes it up to 11, sending you through wave after wave of fights, most of which consist of playing ring around the rosie with Revenants. Nothing wrong with Revenants, I'm just not sure why I have to do the exact same fight twice, and a close variant a third time. It ends with the John Romero's head/shooter gimmick, executed even less elegantly than it was in Doom 2. The holes aren't even properly aligned for the headshots. And damn is this map ugly. 

Black Tower: 3/5 I believe this is the highest kill count in any official Doom map, at 380 before lost souls, Arch Vile rezzes, etc.

The basic concept is strong: A 5 level tower (technically impossible in Doom's mostly 3D engine) simulated by teleporters. Secrets and monster placement are mostly decent. There's a few bugs here and there, but nothing horrendous (and less egregious than several much smaller maps in the collection.) The opening in rough, and doesn't really have any reason to be there (why do I need to go flip some switches in a courtyard to open doors INSIDE the tower?) It's kind of got an old school RPG funhouse dungeon vibe. It's not a great level in terms of super tight design, but getting something of this size to work with so few issues is impressive in and of itself.

The Express Elevator... TO HELL: 0/5 It spells TEETH! It takes guts to make a level whose central gimmick (a giant elevator going up and down) fundamentally doesn't work with your engine. Get ready to watch it twitch as monsters clip on doors, and hope none of them bite your feet off from 50 feet down (or up!) Cranium has a unique distate for letting you actually play Doom, preferring to create elaborate gimmicks to annoy you and hope they work. This is like the shitty version of Tricks & Traps, and no one asked for that. It does have a fairly well done secret exit to...

Bad Dream: 1/5 A "puzzle" level. As you'd probably expect from Cranium, it's not really a puzzle and only sort of works. After the puzzle, you have to fight 3 random enemies, just to keep it extra stupid.

According to Cranium, he was brought on as a replacement for someone else. No one has ever revealed who it was, but I assume we'd all have been better off with their maps instead. What a shit show. Hands down the worst set in Master Levels.

All in all, Master Levels is a whole bunch of mid tier levels balanced by a couple gems and a slightly larger portion of absolute slop. It's probably worth playing through once if you're a hardcore Doom player or something, but definitely not deserving of the "best of the best" billing it was given, even at the time. I would bet there were quite a few good levels on the bonus section of the CD that could've rounded it out nicely, shame id half assed the whole project. If they'd actually taken their time with it I think they could've milked it for a whole series. I guess they were pretty busy with Quake. I think the most interesting thing about it was taking a week to just play through a whole jumble of stand alone levels. Haven't done that in probably 20+ years.

Doom Master Levels: Dr. Sleep

John "Dr. Sleep" Anderson has a relatively large chunk of the Master Levels, at 5. This is the middle chunk of his Inferno series, very loosely themed after the Dante poem. 3,4,5,7, and 8 (although the numbering is a little questionable) are featured here. 1 and 2 were previously released online, and included on the Maximum Doom CD that came with the Master Levels. Map 6 is in Ultimate Doom. Map 9 was never released, and Anderson died in 2018. A few maps have been released since then inspired by it to various degrees.

Virgil's Lead: 3/5 Short, and just tricky enough to be interesting. Makes good use of semi-mirrored rooms, semi-hidden switches, and some non-damaging blood floors. While it makes (somewhat sparing) use of the Doom 2 assets, it really feels more like a Doom 1 map, with slower pacing and mostly tight quarters. Has a compute map, which I think more maps should use, and feels very Virgil. I wonder when he started developing it. The first Inferno maps dropped in 1994, and this would've been a very impressive map a year earlier.

I guess I should be a good English major and give a little background on the mythological references here. Virgil is Dante's guide in the Inferno and real life Roman poet. He's probably most famous for the Aeneid which is basically a Roman themed sequel to the Odyssey. He's pretty popular on best author of all time short lists, though he probably loses to Shakespeare more often than not these days. I guess it was a good run for ~2000 years.

Minos' Judgement: 4/5 This is much more in the Doom 2 style, and stands up against the best maps id designed. Some light puzzling, a few traps, nonlinear, well placed monsters, good amounts of ammo (but little enough to create stress at times). The final courtyard is a nice little set piece with some fun teleporting. Even has a better version of the bridge jump from MAP04. And an automap!

King Minos is the King of Crete and sent people to get eaten by his wife's son, the Minotaur, in the labyrinth. After his death, he becomes a judge of the dead, serving as a gatekeeper between actual Hell and the preceding Limbo in Inferno.

Nessus: 3/5 Pretty straightforward, this was mostly made as a Deathmatch level. Back when Doom first came out, the default was to play Deathmatch with monsters. I assume that was gone by the time this came out, but those Revenants would've been a pain in the ass if not. This is quick, fun, and hectic. I've written before about how a lot of the levels here are tough for the first couple rooms and then calm down. This is basically just those couple rooms. If you can clear the central starting castle, you should have the goods to clean out the smaller mobs in the outskirts and get out without too much trouble. Just need to be quick on your feet and quicker on your fingers. (Also has an automap and, like all the other levels, starts you with a shotgun.)

Nessus is a centaur (the blue one from the Disney movie). Heracles killed him with an arrow dipped in hydra blood after Nessus tried to rape his wife. Later, she smears some of the blood on his robe/shirt when she thinks he's cheating on her and it catches on (magic) fire and kills him.

Nessus is a guard of the 7th circle of Hell in Inferno. Chiron makes him guide Dante and Virgil across Phlegethon, a boiling river of blood that the Violent are trapped in.

Geryon: 4/5 Another strong level, very much in the style of "Minos" lots of monsters, optional areas, non-linear. Hard enough, but doesn't feel cheap. Figuring out the right route takes a little trial and error, but makes things managable.

Geryon is a giant from Greek mythology. Like Nessus, he's killed by Heracles with a Hydra blood arrow when he went to steal the giant's cattle. 

In Inferno he's a kind of Manticore thing:

He flies Dante and Virgil between the 7th (Violence) and 8th (Fraud) circles.

Vesperas: 0/5 OK, I take back what I said yesterday. THIS is the worst Doom levels I've ever played. Nothing but annoying traps, never enough ammo, that stupid invisible ledge "puzzle", clipping glitches. This is an absolute shit show from start to finish.

No direct mythological context here. "The Sicilian Vespers" was a rebellion that occurs in the time of Inferno, and some of the figures from it are referenced (generally in a negative light). Dante was involved in various conflicts around the time, some of which were related.

I think Anderson is probably still the best designed in Master Levels overall, but man is Vesperas bad.

Doom Master Levels: Jim Flynn

 Jim gets two levels in the Masters, the start of a semi-episode taking place on Jupiter's moon, Titan.

Titan Manor: 4/5 This is a kind of odd one, more puzzle/exploration focused than real combat. It kind of feels like someone was making an action/puzzle/horror game ala Resident Evil or Tomb Raider (though the Master Levels came out in 1995, the year before either of those franchises started. Once again, DooM was ahead of its time) in Doom. I don't know that I'd want to play a whole episode of them, but it's a fun one off.

Trapped on Titan: 1/5 To date, the worst Doom level I've played on this blog. Overly long, unthematic, poorly balanced (way more ammo and health than needed, but not distributed appropriately), glitchy, puzzles that aren't puzzles, secrets that aren't secrets, a pointless Cyberdemon... In Flynn's defense, this doesn't feel like a Doom level, and would probably play a lot better in a more 3D (way too much awkward vertical play) engine. Even a modern source port with vertical would go a long way to helping it. 

After Manor, I was excited to grab the rest of the Titan levels, but Trapped has largely killed that for me. Maybe some day down the line.

Doom Master Levels: Tom Mustaine

 Tom gets one level, but it's a good one: Paradox

It's a castle style level, one of the more common themes as far back as Doom 2's "The Inmost Dens." You start on the outside, with the option to run left or right up the ramparts, while shotgunners and Revenants take pot shots at you from the center. You have to sort of peel back the layers, working from the outside to the inside, picking off small groups as you acquire more weapons. Most of the arsenal (minus the chainsaw) is present, though a few come so late that they're kind of pointless. Health is fairly plentiful, but there's no armor (save a single megasphere in a secret) which leads to an interesting dynamic. It's real easy to die if you get caught out, but also easy to pop yourself back up even if you're low. I wouldn't have minded a slightly harder ending (by the time you get through the yellow key room around the midpoint, it's basically over unless you get careless).

4/5 solid level. Better than a good chunk of the actual Doom 2 levels, and the strongest I've played so far at around half way through the Master Levels.

Doom Master Levels: Christen Klie

Christen Kile is the most prolific contributor to The Master Levels, with a half dozen (over a quarter of the total collection to his name.

The Catwalk: 3/5 That triple ledge room is kind of cool, but it gets backtrack heavy towards the end.

The Fistula: 3/5 The three story elevator was cute. Otherwise, functional if generic.

The Combine: 3/5 It was at this moment that I realized these aren't in alphabetical order, but are (mostly) grouped by author. This level has some fun bits like the steps out of the slime pit, but is drug down by Klie's obsession with gimmicks like multi-switches (that only sort of work due to the fact that you can hit switches from above/below).

Subspace: 2/5 The shoot door>lost soul swarm puzzle at the beginning is tacky, and once you've cleared a room or two the difficulty takes a nosedive. Klie continues with his "unreachable shelves" but doesn't really back them up with actual puzzles (did you look for the switch BEHIND YOU!?) 

Subterra: 2/5 (Why is Paradox here on the level list?) Starts you underground (ha!) with a shotgun, which is nice. Has one of those clustered teleporters, which I've never been a fan of. The easiest of today's levels.

The Garrison: 3/5 A well placed berserk alleviates the early level ammo shortage. This is Klie's largest level, and gives you more monsters and guns to play with. Would benefit from a bit tougher end, but the final bridge raise is kind of cool.

Not really enthused with any of these levels, but I think they'd have rated pretty decent back in 1995. Like I said, part of the appeal of them (today) is reliving that feeling of downloading (or getting a disk from your friend) with a blob of random stuff to shoot through on the weekend and hope they're good.